Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Relationships (The Other Man)

In a recent post by one of my blogmates, he talked about being the other man - meaning being the third party to a relationship. Though in that post he does not really become involved in a relationship, he did have sexual encounters with a commited individual.

Usual story, boy meets boy. Boy likes boy. Boy has sex with boy. Boy finds out other boy is already commited. Not something new to many. Not even heterosexuals. (In their case, kindly replace one of the "boy"s with girl.)

Why bother with committment then, if we are all going to fall under the trap? For now, I will focus on being the person we call the third wheel.

For us gay men, I am sure at one time or another we have been attracted to, have fallen in love with, or have had sex with committed men - whether commited to a woman or another man. We've heard people say "How come all the good men are taken?" Are they? If they really are good men, then why do they cheat? If you know they are married or committed, why hook up with them?

To allow ourselves to get in that position where we knowingly hook up with peopel who are in relationships themselves shows we have issues. We probably are desperate for affection that whoever comes, we take the opportunity. We may have a phobia with commitment that a hook up will do. We could have a thing for objects we shouldn't have or objects we want that others have. For others, it just fell into their laps and they are just enjoying the situation.

I, myself, fell into that trap. I didn't know he was married. We met and things progressed to the point where we were sharing the same bed. He was married with children. Like my fellow blogger, I was into the thinking I was merely having fun. He didn't promise anything. He was interested in me. I guess I was flattered that someone was pursuing me, nevermind if he was married. In the long run I felt guilty, since we were meeting on the second floor of their business. It came to a point that I was offering my place to stay every time he had problems with his wife. Our situation neccesitates that I don't text him unless he texts first or else the wife may know of our situation. We meet either after hours or when he has a valid excuse to be out of the house. In the end, he went abroad and we lost touch. Thinking about it now, most likely the reason why my other partners were lying cheaters because of what I did back then. I am tasting the same medicine I was giving out then.

Face it. We lose our minds when we are in love, and even in lust. Common sense and our good values are thrown out the window. We live for the moment. We don't see or we refuse to see how it effects others or how would we feel if we were the person our partner is currently commited to. I am not saying that I won't make the same mistake again. I guess with age, or with restrospect, I realize things I could have handled better. Hopefully in the future, I would have a level head when faced with a similar situation.

Karma. I am sure you have, at one point in your life, have been backstabbed or cheated on. You know how it feels when your partner strays. You know the feeling is so great you would want to feel it again and again. Not! My rule for myself is if I don't want it to happen to me, then I should not do it to others. I believe I just rephrased the golden rule - Do not do unto others what you don't want others to do unto you. I know it is better said than done. We are too used to thinking of what gives us pleasure, what satisfies us but rarely do we consider consequences. We may fall at one time or another, but what makes the journey worth it is learning from mistakes and avoid doing them again. If we keep falling for the same mistakes then it only means we are not learning.


  1. Ah, the other man.

    I've been cheated on by my partner more times than I care to count, and back when I actually gave a damn, my righteous anger would also inevitably fall upon the third party, as well.

    It's doubly infuriating when the third party turns out to be someone you also know. It means he knew the guy was already taken, he knew who I was, and yet he carried on. Never mind that it's my lover who's usually the instigator; cliche as it sounds, it does take two to tango.

    But playing devil's advocate, I would fall on another cliche: love conquers everything. "Love", often confused with that other four-letter word "lust", can conquer shame, decency, delicadeza, and all the other things that separate us from the other humping beasts. Perhaps we shouldn't call it "love" -"passion" sounds more appropriate here.

    Blind passion does exactly that: it blinds you to the difference between right and wrong. It blinds you to the fact that people will get hurt. It also blinds you to the consequences of engaging in an illicit relationship.

    But you know what? It's easy to pontificate about rights and wrongs and couldawouldashouldas. When caught in the grip of passion, even the wisest of us become fools for love.

  2. Personally I think sex should not be equated with love or any sort of attachment. Sex is a natural biological need and we do that, not for any other purpose but to get some pleasure. I don't understand why people give so much fuss over it when sex is done privately. No need to feel guilty so long as you don't get sex in the way of your relationship.

  3. A relationship with emotional and physical closeness, that may involve sexuality or may come close to sexual expression, when desired.There is no aspiration to long-term commitment and no expectation of exclusivity.


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