Thursday, July 16, 2009

Family Issues (Acceptance)

Ambivelence. Everyone seems to think you are gay but never addresses it. When you reach a certain age and they have not seen you settle down or have a girlfriend, people assume that you are homosexual. In my case, you know they are thinking it because of a careless word thrown into conversation but no one sits you down and asks. That's my family.

On the other hand, fellow gays seem to relish the idea of outing others. Is it necessary? One doesn't have to be out to be gay. Once you are out, then what? Does it uplift one's life or the people who knows? Would outing Piolo improve how he acts or sings? Would knowing whether he is gay or not make an impact on your life?

I guess my family feels it is a phase and I will get over it. I had a partner for some years and my mother, who had come from abroad was going to be staying with me for an extended period of time. She finally met my partner and she was quite civil at the start. After a few days, she confronted him and afterwards, me. She told him to break up with me, telling him that it will give me the opportunity to fix my life. When it was my turn, she asked me if I could live without him. For me, of course my answer would be yes. I can live without him. And that was it. Did she ask me if I loved him? Did she ask if he loved me?

With that confrontation out of the way, I allowed her to have some semlance of control of my life being that she was living with me temporarily and that obviously she had an issue with me being with him. How would you have reacted if you were faced with the same situation?

Finding acceptance in society is a struggle by itself but finding acceptance in one's family is harder. How I envy those who are out and out gay and yet their family loves them just the same way. I am repressed though I have accepted myself but deep down, I am yearning to feel that regardless of my life choices my family is there supporting me.

To those who clamor for people to out themselves, what does it gain me to go in public declare to everyone that I am gay? Others say it frees you; that it relieves you of baggages. I say it does free you to a point but not totally. I say we all have baggages, and problems are a fact of life. The day we stop having problems is the day we die.

Being gay, for me, is a choice. I don't believe we are born into it. It is a personal choice. It is a choice that we make for ourselves. Not our family. Not the people around us. Not society itself. And yes, it is a need for us to be accepted. That's a fact. But the most important person who needs to accept you're gay is yourself. All else is secondary, if not tertiary.

I know my mother would most likely remain adamant with not accepting the life I choose to live. She has been disappointed and would remain disappointed with me having relationships with other men. I apologize for that. I have hurt her and have not met her expectations. I have not fulfilled her dream for me to have a wife and have a family of my own. It is her dream, her hopes that were crushed. Is it up to me to fulfill her dreams? Is it up to me to live a life she believes I should live?

Why do gays congregate? We long for people who understand the way we feel, who are undergoing similar struggles, who we can be as ourselves. We long for people who accept us as we are.

At the end of the day, we live with our decisions. Regardless if you have parents who accept you, or if people demand you to out yourself, or if you have friends you don't think will understand, the most important thing is you accept yourself. Love yourself and live with your decision.

14 comments:

  1. sometime ago i told my best friend - a he, that i'm a homo. i was compelled to admit as he's just too open with his problems, his ups & downs - in short he confides everything. we were talking on the phone that day abt the status of his relationship with his GF and with no announcement i told him "brod, i'm a homo. yung dating usapan natin sa phone na may imi-meet akong babae, truth is lalaki yun..."

    he was shocked, natigilan talaga. i even said kung lalayo ka maiintindihan ko. medyo asiwa sya kasi dahil madaming homo/in-the-closet/open gays ang naaligid at shall i say nagnananasa sa kanya and asiwa sya. mine to him is pure friendship nothing sexual. barkada. best friend. tropa.

    matagal din kaming hindi nag usap & i really felt bad. na parang nawala ang kabutihan na meron ako sa sarili ko. yung rejection. that incident made me realize na i shld love myself MORE...

    i remember him sending an e-mail na parang peace offering - nude na babaeng pinay, siguro para matawa ako..

    ang tagal naming no contact, more than a year ata until one day i found myself calling him, nagulat sya, he entertained my call at kwentuhan pero may kulang. hindi na tulad ng dati. i can no longe recall kung pano na break yung ice pero now ok uli kami, best friends uli. his laughter is back, share nya uli personal nya, ganun din ako.. wala na yung "ilang".

    best friends nga siguro kami talaga. i remember before we part ways dati request ko lang sa kanya wag na sanang sabihin sa utol nyang lalaki na tropa ko rin kahit pano..

    i just had my reading glass recently and natawa sya dahil hindi daw bagay sakin so what he did was he gave me what he was wearing. sabi ko pano ka, kinuha nya yung isang eyewear nya sa car compartment (we were in his car nagyoyosi while naka park) at no problem daw dahil meron syang extra.

    i know he isn't a family member but i just found myself tying in the comment section of your blog. perhaps it's because i never shared this with anyone, tagal ko ring dinala yun dati...

    thanks.

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  2. He indeed is a great friend. I am glad he had overcome that awkwardness when you were trying to re-connect. I am glad that you trusted him enough to tell the truth. It goes to show that men with different sexual orientations can be friends.

    Acceptance of one's self. And acceptance by one's friend. I believe these made your friendship stronger than prior to your admission.

    Thanks Edwin

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  3. Reading this blog made me cry. I am a girl. About 6 months ago, I discovered by accident that my male best friend is gay. Until now I havent had the courage to ask him about it.

    I dont know the world of gay men. I have gay friends but no gay close friends. I have no problem with those who are openly gay. But I dont know how is it like for gays who are hiding. Like my male best friend.

    I was super shocked when I discovered it by accident. For the 5 years na magkaibigan kami, hindi ko nalaman. I didnt really suspect. Although he is metrosexual, hindi naman sobra. To me, he is so straight.

    Nagkaroon ako ng maraming questions like bakit di nya sinabi. He lied to me. Lagi pa naman nya sinasabi sa akin ang importance ng trust sa relationships at sa friendship. And I believe that too. Pagkatapos itinatago nya pala ang kanyang pagkatao.

    I haven't asked him about it. Hindi ko pa rin sinasabi na alam ko na. May nagbago ng konti sa akin. Palagi akong nadedepress kasama sya. I wanna cry and tell him how it feels pero hindi ko magawa. So I am just keeping it all to me.

    I love him. I used to love him romantically sometimes. In between boyfriends :) But I love him not just like that. He is my best friend. He is like a family to me. I can leave behind boyfriends but not him.

    After a while, I slowly accepted it. Ayoko pa rin syang i-confront. Hindi ko na gagawin yon. I'll wait for him to tell me if he wants.

    Basta now, sinasanay ko na ang sarili ko na ganito na. Pakiramdam ko noon my best friend died. And God sent me another one like the old one. But he is gay.

    So after I managed to recover, balik kami sa dati. He is still my best friend. Mahalaga pa ba kung he is openly gay or not? Sa tingin ko hindi na. Pag inamin ba nya sa akin, what will happen? Wala.

    Pero after I read your article, nang maiyak ako, I realized meron pa rin konting hurt. Ewan ko ba. Siguro ayoko nang madaliin ang process. Ganyan talaga.

    I really learned a lot from this specific blog entry. It helped me understand gays. Kasi gusto kong tanungin sa best friend ko how it is. Pero hindi pwede.

    Nakakasad nga na we are keeping secrets. Naturingang magbestfriend.

    I wanna tell him it's OK. I love him just the same. I will still be his friend for keeps. Lahat ng pinangako namin sa isa't isa, sana walang magbago. Hindi ako magbabago.

    Na-shock lang ako. Kasi naman eh... Ang galing nya magtago. As in.

    I love your blog. It helps.

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  4. Upon reading your blog, I honestly don't know what to say.
    I would totally agree with you on your conclusion that homosexuality is indeed a CHOICE. Like any other choices that we make in this lifetime, it bores responsibility. However, with your case, I think the responsibilty and consequences would be on a diffirent level. I could honestly say that it is a choice because I was at one point in my life in a difficult situation. Let me just share it to you. I'm a woman, and I have a lot of male friends and female friends. A few of these male friends are gays of who are very close and dear to me. One in particular was very close to the point of me weaving romantic allusions - my bad of course. I knew the very first time that we met that he was gay. At that early point, I already knew that he had, and he was in a same sex relationship.
    For some reasons, we were drawn to each other. God knows that I fought the feelings that I had for him - well, I lost, and succumbed to my emotions for him. I was lost that time, but I could still remember that I was happy in loving him. I knew and accepted the fact that he was gay - what was worse was, his boyfriend also became my friend. Amidst it all, I continued to love him. For those months that we were really close and together, he had never openly admitted to me that he was gay, nor the fact that he has a boyfriend. I too never confronted him. In my mind, it doesn't matter - it wouldn't really change anything - well unless of course if he wakes up one day and realized that he's choosing me - but that's fat chance. My point is, when one is decided on their choices, it would help you and the people who loves you to know what you've chosen. It frees you of the guilt and responsibility - whether these are direct or indirect. Yes, we can say that we are responsible with OURselves, but isn't that just too selfish? I mean that's for me.... Indeed, one needs to love oneself and needs to be sure of ones choice, from there one can plan ones next steps - that is admitting to others, especially to your loved ones that you're happy with you chosen sexuality. ^_^

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  5. hi, i love your blog and reading it is one hell of a ride for gay filipino like me. Totally cool.

    I agree with you on a lot of things except for the "Gayness is a choice thing". I must admit that outing is really difficult especially if you have a wonderful career and a devout catholic family but if I have to do it again, definitely I would.

    Homosexuality is never a choice because if it was nobody would want to be gay. Especially the social stigma, the discrimination and the "panlalait" you get for being gay or tomboy.

    Science have proven that homosexuality is in the genes. If you would notice, most gays have gay relatives as well. I got three "tito's" and one aunt who are all homosexuals.Another thing, if homosexuality is a choice why not choose to be straight and avoid situations like that with your mother. you cant, because youre not straight, you are gay and its definitely alright.

    Gays like us would always encounter akward situations with our families in terms of us telling our sexual orientation or them confronting us. But, we really have to face this difificulty especially that our society still thinks that we're not normal.

    I know this comments is quite late and might no longer be necessary..

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  6. at first i don't want to live like this.. i try to change myself... i keep forcing myself to like a girl..in the end, i can't. i am born with it. I know since i was young at 6..
    william from cyberjaya

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  7. sexual orientation has never been an issue to me that's why i think that being gay is just a normal as everyone else. Whether you are gay or straight it won't change any fact of who you really are. Whether you are out or prefer to stay in the closet, it really doesn't matter as long as you are living a life that you've always wanted and knowing that you have been a good person...MABUHAY ang mga BAKLA! lol- anonymous, Ireland

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  8. http://www.hottesturbanboys.blogspot.com/

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  9. It's really saddening how so many people are still insensitive when it comes to gender equality in this country.

    Anyway, I salute you for being who you are and living the way you want to.

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  10. I am so sad for you !!! but just stay happy

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  11. Nice blog, but being gay s not a choice.. Being heterosexual is not normal it's just common.

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  12. I believe being gay is not a choice, your way of life is.
    You can always choose not to have relationships with men, but you can never tell or direct or even instruct yourself to go against what you really feel deep down inside.
    That's why we seek acceptance not change.
    Who you really are, is what matters.
    Stay happy.

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